Reflections on life's lessons

Reflections on life’s lessons

In her paper for Professor Timbres, Sandra wrote:

As I examine my own life, it seems that it has been so full that it amazes me.  In terms of issues that I have accepted, or not accepted, I would have to say that I have a problem accepting violence of any kind, including violence to animals. When someone asked my spiritual preceptor if there was a universal duty of all human beings, he replied: “Yes. To attain peace, to create peace, to dwell in peace.  Non-violence is the supreme path to peace within and without.”  I am always shocked at how much violence our society engenders and is willing to tolerate… I hope I can work with virtually any client because of my belief system. But if a client enjoys violence, then I don’t have false hopes of being able to rid him or her of such an attachment.  Involuntary clients are difficult - as at Child Protective Services - but I can try to understand a parent’s motivation and show them alternative ways to interact with their children. After all, if a parent cannot control him or herself, how can they expect a child to control itself? Similarly, parents often mean well but lack parenting skills or education about a child’s developmental stage.

At the same time, on a larger scale, I hope to raise the consciousness of those who, wittingly or unwittingly, abuse or neglect many in society with misguided or destructive policies which cause and perpetuate social ills. I believe the concept of duty is valuable because it motivates people to take care of others and the world without becoming too attached to the results of their efforts. When people are motivated only by self-interest and that self-interest conflicts with someone else’s self-interest, negative emotions and actions often result, unless the two can agree to a peaceful resolution. The idea of duty keeps self-interest to a minimum, while still motivating people to act in a positive way. Of course, a fanatic may think that duty means killing someone who has a different belief system, but ignorance has always been the root of conflict. We can only do our best to raise people’s consciousness, to show them how their attachment to their beliefs or their possessions can create conflict.

The more universal a belief is, the more positive it is, since such a belief makes us aware of our connectedness to each other (e.g., “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”).  And since “the thought is father to the deed,” we need to always be aware of our thoughts and our motives-the cause and effect linkage-a type of ongoing, self-administered “cognitive” or “rational-emotive” therapy, in psychological parlance. Ultimately, we may be lucky enough to still our thoughts altogether and enjoy the peace that ensues when our own individual egos are momentarily quieted. This is why the 46th Psalm admonishes: “Be still and know that I am God” The definition of Yoga (which means “union”) is “the restraint/control of thought waves in the mind.” I believe when we can achieve this state of mental stillness, we know our true natures. Or as the poet Rumi said: “When the dreamer awakens, he is absolute absence.” The selfishness is gone, the pure Self remains….

‘It is interesting to me that, although my father was a confirmed agnostic, and we were never christened or baptized, but rather randomly taken from one church to another, the “spiritual quest” has been central in my life and in the lives of at least two of my siblings.  Both my sister and my younger brother converted to Catholicism, although no one in my family of origin was Catholic. My older brother is interested in philosophy, but does not make it a priority. On my own, I read books by, and about, Tibetans, Chinese, Vietnamese, Sufis, Christian mystics, Indians, and others. I was very drawn to the East. These systems of thought enabled me to understand Christian mysticism and Christ’s teachings in a way I had not been able to before. I felt a resonance with Meister Eckhart and Thomas Merton. The lives of Saints are very real to me. As Joseph Campbell has shown us with the myths of various cultures, we dress the same reality in different forms and call it by different names. I believe quantum physics merely reaffirms in scientific terms what mysticism has always taught.

Anyway, patterns in my family of origin fall into negative and positive categories. On the negative side, there is a tendency to worry unnecessarily. My mother would always prepare us for a difficult challenge by saying, “Just imagine the worst thing that can possibly happen and be prepared for that,” implying that anything less than a worst-case scenario would be relatively easy to handle. I have since chided her about how destructive that advice was, as I internalized countless visions of the “worst thing that could happen.” Another negative pattern is ambivalence. My mother could never make a decision without anxiety, so she tended to not want to make any decisions at all. For example, when it is suggested that she visit a friend or family member, she can never just say “Yes, that sounds great.” Instead, she agonizes over all the reasons why she shouldn’t, or can’t. At the same time, however, she talks about going. Another maternal pattern is a near-obsession with money. I believe that, since both my grandfathers controlled the household money and my grandmothers had no power within the family, my mother developed a need to control money. While she is very generous and gives substantial gifts of cash to all of us, at the same time she frets over anything she perceives to be wasteful or extravagant. She prefers to have crisp “new” bills, and she “hides” bills in various parts of her pocketbooks. My father was never the least bit interested in money, so her management of household finances never caused conflict Now, however, she is increasingly forgetful, and making sense of her finances is increasingly frustrating. She spends hours poring over bills and trying to make sense of her checkbook.  Sooner or later, I know I will have to take charge of this aspect of her life, if only to avoid the hours I now have to spend trying to undo the muddle she creates with her checkbook.

Another negative pattern in my family when I was growing up was the tolerance of sarcasm and verbal attacks. Communication patterns were definitely not limited to “I messages.” Perhaps because of my father’s legal training, an adversarial style of communication was not only tolerated, but even encouraged. The dinner table became a forum for attacking and defending positions, and verbal personal attacks and labels were included in the debates. My sister was called “selfish” and “the boarder,” since she was seldom around; my brother was called “soft” when he was young and vulnerable and accused of thinking he “had all the answers” while he was in college. I was “the odd-ball.” My father would say, “You’re not out of step with the army; the army’s out of step with you.” My younger brother escaped most of this nastiness, since my father mellowed with age and since we all became adept at attacking right back…and did. Over the years, unspoken truces were enacted, and as we all became independent, I think both my parents realized that criticism and unpleasantness would only alienate their children and discourage future interactions. We have all become increasingly aware of how destructive this pattern of communication is, and with that awareness have come efforts to correct it.

Divorce never happened in my family until my sister got hers. I was shocked at the time, but then felt that it made sense. Both brothers also divorced once, but only after long marriages and when their children were grown. They willingly split their assets with their wives and remained very involved in their children’s lives. I divorced twice.  I have always believed that these failed marriages somehow reflected my mother’s frustration and disapproval with my father’s drinking, whereas my father almost never expressed dissatisfaction with my mother. I think my sister and I formed a fairly negative picture of marriage, due to my mother’s frequent complaints about my father’s drinking. When she would get angry with him, she used to say, “If I had enough money, I’d take you children and leave. She never worked outside the home, however, so she never had any money until we were grown and she inherited a bit. These outbursts were usually short-lived and she and my father would soon reconcile and things would return to normal; but I think I resolved on some level that I would never feel “trapped” like that.

Positive patterns were, fortunately, abundant enough to provide a counterbalance to the negatives. One positive pattern was consistent support for education. Both of my parents always encouraged education. Both of my parents also encouraged independence in both action and thought. We were not punished for challenging them on their own inconsistencies. When confronted with some hypocrisy, my mother would say rather sheepishly, “Do as I say, not as I do.” Or they would laugh self-consciously, acknowledging that you had caught them not living up to their professed standards. And high standards were another positive pattern. We were encouraged to have high ideals and the courage of our convictions. Both my parents expected us to know what was right and to live it. We were expected to have personal integrity, be truthful and honest, work hard, and take responsibility for our choices. Looking back, I wish they had also taught us more about playing.

My parents had certain notions of what constituted “correct” behavior. They both felt men should stand when women came in the room, that women should never call men for dates, that men should hold open doors for women, that children should be polite and respectful towards their elders (and not wear hats in the house), etc. They also believed that women (not men) should not have sex before marriage. One of my mother’s expressions was “Why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?” Needless to say, times have changed, and another pattern which was positive was my parents’ willingness to be challenged on these positions and be flexible, rather than rigid, when confronted by changing mores. My sister and I were not disowned for our “liberation.” As long as we had the courage of our convictions, and better still, if we could logically defend our positions, we got at least grudging respect, if not wholehearted acceptance.

While we were expected to live with the consequences of our choices, we also knew that in a real emergency, family members would support you. You might catch a lot of flack for your mistakes but, ultimately, you could count on family members to help you in any way they could.  You could learn from your mistakes and move on. This is perhaps my family’s greatest strength.

I feel that I have strong connections with my family of origin. From time to time we get mad at each other, we complain about each other, but we all know that the support, love and respect are there. We are not enmeshed. We can all live without each other-and do-but we also genuinely like to call or get together for special occasions and share time, knowledge and experiences. I feel incredibly lucky to have both a large support network outside my family of origin, and strong ties to most family members. I feel both my friends and my family—including ex-husbands, and especially my children, are wonderfully interesting human beings—all works in progress, all evolving, just as I am. But then, I feel this way about all of the creatures I meet along the way. “Life is for learning, and learning never stops.”